Tough questions - deep thoughts. 100513

John Owen wrote in his work, On Being spirituall Minded;

Can the majority of Christians honestly say that they think of such things {{hardship, calamity and disaster}} in such a way that leads them trust themswlves nd ll they love and have to God?  Can they say they so meditate on God's providential calls and warnings as to make themselves ready to part with anything and everything at God's time and pleasure"  How can such people pretend to be spiritually minded when all their thoughts resisit the idea of trusting everything to his will and pleasure?

I want to answer "Yes," to the first two questions but I am deeply confronted by a hesitation, a cold chill that goes to the bone.  I am hindered by pride and fear.  Perhaps the greatest fear is of man and what man might say of me if God were to call for it all.

It is common to see those who, even by God's providence, lose it all as failures, objects of scorn and pity.  It is common to withdraw from those in such distress as we look for their failures that have brought about their circumstances.  It is easier to leave them alone than to draw near.   It is easier to look for some blame to lay at their feet than to contemplate as an act of God's providence, a part of His plan.

I think many of us would rather suffer some disease and hence be empoverished than to have the hand of God sweep everythiing away.  Then we would have a reason, a cause for it and still be able to hold up our heads and look people in the eye.

To trust everrything to His will and pleasure is what He means by calling ut to be alive to Him and dead to ourselves and the world.  To trust everything to Him - or at the very least to struggle to do so is the fundamental condition in which we are called to live.  It is dieing to self - and to the good graces and acceptance of other people.

When we pray, "Thy will be done." do we realize what we are asking, what we are saying, what He might do?  I don't think we do.  I know that I have grown to be chilled when I pray that.

But it is my rebellious and tainted heart that is chilled.  It is the remnant of sin - that principle of evil yet dwelling in me that makes me struggle to simply surrender.  So I find myself in a fight with God and a struggle to maintain my sanity.  The assurances that "Everything will be OK," does little moer than drive my thoughts to death and the assurances I have of eternal lie with Him.  This is not a bad thing but it should not be the first thing.

When God acts in our lives whether we sense it to be good or bad, sour or sweet, it is for His glory and honor.  Are we willing to see Him glorified in our lives in a painful and uncomfortable manner?  Are we willing to suffer and have man-imposed shame torment our heads and hearts?

I want to and I don't want to.  I say "Yes!  BUT....."

And I ask Him to forgive me.

From a very dark place - ever been there?

Ecc. 7:10  Say not, “Why were the former days better than these?” (ESVST)

Ecc. 7:14 In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider:God has made the one as well as the other, so that man may not find out anything that will be after him. (ESVST)

It's a tired old phrase, "I have come to the end of myself."  I know it's tired, I say it at least twice a day.  And yet I keep discovering that my self - that is my flesh and my pride - is without end.  It may hide while assaulted, it may lurk in the shadows of my soul - but it is never at an end.

Only in the presence of God, on that glorious day when we are made like Him will the self- the flesh finally and eternally be changed.  It will be wholly His and wholly for and to Him.  But here it is my arch enemy - my constant antagonist - my constant thorn and affliction.

When I read Paul:

Rom. 7:24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? (ESVST)

I want to volunteer.  But Paul goes on:

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin (ESVST)  Rom 7:25

In times of trial and affliction this is a passage of strange and alien meaning.  I want too respond, "So????"  My mind know god and my mind (all of me) loves God and knows He is worthy of love.  But my flesh seeks from HI what does not come and seeks relief He does not yet provide.

My peace becomes numbness my hope becomes flat and my comfort has no taste of substance.  This is my flesh.  There is no peace for the flesh, there is no hope nor comfort and so I find my flesh ruling my heart, distessing my mind and disturbing my soul.

The Word tells us:

Better is the end of a thing than its beginning,

and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit (ESVST) Ecc. 7:8

But what end?  Certainly this must mean death is better than birth.  The end of a trial better than the beginning.  But what of the in between?  

If all is vanity than what matters?  A chasing after wind is what living is.  Does this not apply to all our labor, all our effort, all our goals and gains.  Do we not better seek the end than the middle?

But we do not know the end and we are to hope in the middle for the end.  but we do not know, with any assurance, any other end but death and resurrection.  So many of us struggle in the middle fighting making the end ourselves.  Don't we?  Really?

What do we do when the desire to be with Christ where He is seems more powerful to be in Christ where we are?  It is, more or less depending on the person, a strong pulling, a great temptation.  

Job felt that the day of his birth was the worst day of His life.  Though we can see in Job that much of His middle part was good and lovely and a blessing.  Yet in his trial, not having been born was preferable to the in between place.

It is perhaps normal, in trials, to yearn with all we are, to be with Him.  Some even contemplate making that transition by their own hand.  I have had those in my life who have done so and I mourn their passing yet have compassion for their plight that led then to that conclusion and concluding.  I understand.

I understand and am ashamed when I have those thoughts.  Having known them intimately and being very familiar with their circumstances I think I understand their choice and comparing their plight to mine I am ashamed if ever that thought comes to mind as an option.

Yes, this is a strange blog but I am in a strange place.  It is not an unfamiliar place - it has always been strange when I have been here.  But the convicting questions is, "do I really want to be with Him or do I just feel so sorry for myself that I really want to be our of my affliction and use that temptation as an attempt to manipulate God?

I suspect the latter and so I am ashamed and convicted by my own sad sinfulness.

Oh well - the sun is up - I am alive - He must have something for me to do and I must be out and about life if I am to do it.

In short, as I have told many who have wandered where I now wander, "When God wants you dead, you'll be dead."  Hard words but until He makes me dead He has things form me to do and things for me to learn.  So I give my life to Him and only ask that I die to myself.