The Hell of Melacholy

I'll make no pretense at pretty words and no effort to edit this.  Today I am in the hell of melacholy.

It's a tough place to be as many many of you know.  It's cold and dark and the sense of utter isolation is terrifying.  But at's not the worst of it.

The worst of it is the utter obsession with one's self.  I've found that all my prayers, all my thoughts, all my cries are about me---my---mine.  what I have not and what I want -- what  need and the overwhelming sense of those needs.

But the hell is this - imagine someone unwashed, smelly, curled in a ball in a dark corner whinning for help.  Unable and unwilling to do anything for themselves.   Not knowing what to do and believing that no matter what they do it won't matter.

Now imagine that's you.  That's how you see yourself and that's how you fear others will see you.  You're pathetic and weak.  An object of scorn and rejection.  That's how you see you and how you sense others would see you if you let them.

Melacholy, for me, is like being sucked under by quicksand but not wanting to bother anyone or ask for help becasue they'll just find you wimpy and irritating.

You want to do something but you just know it will fail.  You sense your responsibility for at least part of your circumstnces and it feels like it's all your fault.  You know better than anyone else ever could how you've contributed to where you are at and it feel like you and you alone are onky to blame.

Yes, you may even want to be dead - but them you sense that you're already dead - just unburied.  You see sense no purpose for your life and yet you fight to find one.

Hanging on by the skin of your teeth is a very appropriate way to see it.  but them comes the sense that there's nothing to hold on to.

OK - don"t freak.  Anyne who has been on the hell of melacholy has thought avbout ending it all.  You really can't avoid those thoughts.  But fortunately, for most of us, even that seems purposeless.

You identify so closely with the lepers in the Bible.  Regardless of the pity, encouragement, etc. Others ffer, you are still a leper - unclean - unfit - to be avoided.

When in the depth of melacholy even the most genuine act of kindness hurts.  You're ashamed to need it - you're ashamed to accept it - you're ashamed - completely.

I'll quit now - rant over - but probably more to come.  There is a very real hell and then there's the hell of melacholy -

Have I touched something in you?  Wanna talk?  Wanna share the rant ith others?  Feel free -- contact me at sheepdog.ms@gmail.com.

I plan to continue to try to say all that we folks afflicted with melacholy want to say but never do - or if we do it's not understood.  Like - I was late starting my day today, my safe routine was ruptured and I felk myself sinking deeper - just 30 minutes crushed me - that's melacholy.

It's a blessing too though - without it I would never has seen just how self-serving and self-seeking and selfish my heart can really be.

Prayers are welcome - comments too --------

Best regards -
Michael