Ecc. 7:14 In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider:God has made the one as well as the other, so that man may not find out anything that will be after him. (ESVST)
It's a tired old phrase, "I have come to the end of myself." I know it's tired, I say it at least twice a day. And yet I keep discovering that my self - that is my flesh and my pride - is without end. It may hide while assaulted, it may lurk in the shadows of my soul - but it is never at an end.
Only in the presence of God, on that glorious day when we are made like Him will the self- the flesh finally and eternally be changed. It will be wholly His and wholly for and to Him. But here it is my arch enemy - my constant antagonist - my constant thorn and affliction.
When I read Paul:
Rom. 7:24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? (ESVST)
I want to volunteer. But Paul goes on:
Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin (ESVST) Rom 7:25
In times of trial and affliction this is a passage of strange and alien meaning. I want too respond, "So????" My mind know god and my mind (all of me) loves God and knows He is worthy of love. But my flesh seeks from HI what does not come and seeks relief He does not yet provide.
My peace becomes numbness my hope becomes flat and my comfort has no taste of substance. This is my flesh. There is no peace for the flesh, there is no hope nor comfort and so I find my flesh ruling my heart, distessing my mind and disturbing my soul.
The Word tells us:
Better is the end of a thing than its beginning,
and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit (ESVST) Ecc. 7:8
But what end? Certainly this must mean death is better than birth. The end of a trial better than the beginning. But what of the in between?
If all is vanity than what matters? A chasing after wind is what living is. Does this not apply to all our labor, all our effort, all our goals and gains. Do we not better seek the end than the middle?
But we do not know the end and we are to hope in the middle for the end. but we do not know, with any assurance, any other end but death and resurrection. So many of us struggle in the middle fighting making the end ourselves. Don't we? Really?
What do we do when the desire to be with Christ where He is seems more powerful to be in Christ where we are? It is, more or less depending on the person, a strong pulling, a great temptation.
Job felt that the day of his birth was the worst day of His life. Though we can see in Job that much of His middle part was good and lovely and a blessing. Yet in his trial, not having been born was preferable to the in between place.
It is perhaps normal, in trials, to yearn with all we are, to be with Him. Some even contemplate making that transition by their own hand. I have had those in my life who have done so and I mourn their passing yet have compassion for their plight that led then to that conclusion and concluding. I understand.
I understand and am ashamed when I have those thoughts. Having known them intimately and being very familiar with their circumstances I think I understand their choice and comparing their plight to mine I am ashamed if ever that thought comes to mind as an option.
Yes, this is a strange blog but I am in a strange place. It is not an unfamiliar place - it has always been strange when I have been here. But the convicting questions is, "do I really want to be with Him or do I just feel so sorry for myself that I really want to be our of my affliction and use that temptation as an attempt to manipulate God?
I suspect the latter and so I am ashamed and convicted by my own sad sinfulness.
Oh well - the sun is up - I am alive - He must have something for me to do and I must be out and about life if I am to do it.
In short, as I have told many who have wandered where I now wander, "When God wants you dead, you'll be dead." Hard words but until He makes me dead He has things form me to do and things for me to learn. So I give my life to Him and only ask that I die to myself.
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